D i e n u

I’ve always wondered what it would be like if I could understand calculus.

The type of person for whom all those numbers and letters and weird squiggly symbols actually make sense is, in my mind, a superior version of human than I am.

Same goes for people who seem to intuitively always know which way is north, without even looking at a map. Sometimes to get a cheap laugh, Randy will ask me to point in the direction I think something is in, like Durham from Chapel Hill or the taco shop from our house.

I’ll do my best to point in what I guess is the right way. Then Randy laughs at me.

It’s good times.

Anyways, the whole point of this entry was to say that I’m intrigued by how many ways of being smart there are in this world.

I’m pretty good at stringing words together into a sensible form. And I’m not too bad at crossword puzzles.

But I suck at math. And I hate that Tanagrams game with a furious passion.

I have no problem following line-by-line directions, but the weird Ikea instructions with just the pictures and arrows and shit make me want to jab my eyeballs out with the disposable allen wrench they always include.

I’m a crappy artist. I’m a terrible cook. And I’m not intelligent about those day-to-day things that usually fall under “common sense.”

But I can read a 200-page novel in a couple hours. And for some reason, I have an uncanny talent at completing multiple-choice tests. I’m a “No Child Left Behind” dream student. But that sure doesn’t help me when it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and I can’t for the life of me figure out where the fuck slot A meets tab B.

Earlier this afternoon, people were talking about IQ tests. It got me thinking about how there’s not really any one test that can really capture everyone’s unique intelligences.

Like I don’t know if my dad knows calculus or physics. But I do know he can fix his own car and can build stuff and is an amazing artist and naturally good at geeky stuff.

Why the hell I didn’t get any of that, I’ll never know. I guess I just take more after my mom.

(Things I have done are in bold. Things I have not done are everything else.)

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower - 3:30 am, with my hubby before he was my hubby.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo - I sing one in the shower every morning.

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Knitting counts, right?

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - I went to NYC with my best friend when I was 12. Thanks Aleia!

18. Grown your own vegetables - Do herbs count?

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked - I was dumb in high school.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort (I’ve never lived anywhere cold enough!)

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping - and posted the picture to prove it!

27. Walked a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run - Yeah, Wii baseball!

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community - We bought the lumber for our cabin from them when I was little.

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Randy and I were eating breakfast next to two ladies in their 50s, one of whom was having a birthday. We told the waiter to bring us their check. It was neat.

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance - Broken collarbone in 12th grade.

47. Had your portrait painted - Coolest wedding present ever!

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - For two days, until my mother conveniently decided Girl Scouts violated her feminist principles. She always was a tricky one, that mom of mine.

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check - Due to a mistake not a lack of fundage.

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - Lazy Bear FTW!

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt - Two squares of one, anyway.

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.

77. Broken a bone. - Collarbone. 17. Ill-advised decision to prove to the boys that girls “could so play football.”

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new used car

83. Walked in Jerusalem.

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life - 1996. Florence Dover. Had crashed her car into a ravine and broken both bones. We drove by just as her hand reached over the crest of the highway. We called the authorities and stabilized her until they got there.

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club - It was a rather short-lived one, but still.

93. Lost a loved one - Too many of them.

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone - Owned six, actually.

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Read an entire book in one day

101. Seen a ghost.

(Thanks to Jamie for the inspiration. Also, I need to travel more.)

I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but I always think of the handicapped stall in the bathroom at work as the “poop stall.”

It’s a little roomier, there’s a little bit more privacy and it’s at the end of the row. Perfect.

Except every time I am in there, I always have this irrational fear that I am going to look over toward the stall door and see, staring at me below it, a pair of wheels. Then I would have to confess that I was misusing the handicapped stall for my own nefarious purposes.

Not that I poop, of course. But if I did, I would use the handicapped stall and would worry about that.

This post is entirely hypothetical.

Because I’m sure all of you are deeply interested in every aspect of my daily life, here is a three-part photo essay detailing the haircut I got two Fridays ago.

(If you’re wondering why I look all crouched down and awkward in that last picture, it’s because I just took it two minutes ago in my office and I’m guessing there’s probably nothing more douchey than sitting at your desk taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone, so I was trying to do it real fast.)

Wasn’t that exciting?! Woo!

A couple Saturdays ago, Randy and I were walking to the farmer’s market in the early morning, when we stumbled upon these beauties:

I love how little clusters of mushrooms will literally pop up overnight. It reminds me of childhood stories about fairy rings and strange doings in the darkest hours of the night.

They were so sweet, I had to stop and take a picture. (Small aside: The camera on my iphone is pretty decent. That makes me happy.)

It’s a good thing I did, because when we were walking back home, we saw that someone had kicked them all apart.

At first I was really sad, but then Randy said, “You know, baby. I bet that was a dog. A pooping dog. Not a bad person. You can’t fault a pooping dog.”

And I said, “Yeah, a dog. That’s it. Silly old dog.”

And then we walked the rest of the way home.